Life After Suicide Loss: A Toolkit

You are not alone

You may be reading this because someone you know has died due to suicide. This may have happened very recently, or it could be weeks, months or even years after your loss.

Losing someone in circumstances where they have taken their own life means that the grieving process can be complicated for those who were close to that person. These feelings can persist for a long time after a loss and can have a significant effect on the lives of those who have been affected.

The two most important facts about these feelings are:

  • They are not wrong – even if your feelings include intense anger (at the person you have lost, at other people who were close to that person, or at an organisation or institution you feel failed to help that person), they exist independently of any notions of right or wrong, strength or weakness, generosity or selfishness. This is also true if you are feeling a ‘numbness’ or an inability to grieve or feel any strong emotions about your loss – this is just as valid a reaction to loss as the most intense emotions. Moving rapidly from one emotional extreme to another is also a natural reaction to these kinds of circumstances, as is experiencing strong emotions for a long period of time afterwards. Finally, and most importantly, another natural reaction to someone’s death due to suicide can be to experience suicidal thoughts yourself. You can contact Cycle Against Suicide at info@cycleagainstsuicide.com, The Samaritans by telephone on 116 123, 24hrs a day, 365 days a year or Mental Health Ireland on 01 2841166.
  • You are not alone – you may or may not be sharing your experience of losing someone through suicide with family and /or friends. Even if you are, you may feel lonely, isolated or even abandoned after this kind of loss. It is important to remember that other people have been through, or are going through, something like what you are experiencing. Many of these people have created organisations, networks and resources that are intended to support people in your situation. Reaching out and asking for help can be a difficult first step to take.

 

This Toolkit

Cycle Against Suicide exists to break down the barriers surrounding mental health illness. One of the ways we do this is by providing information and resources that increase awareness to support those affected. This toolkit is one such resource. It attempts to bring together a list of resources designed to provide help to people who have been affected by a death due to suicide. It is by no means an exhaustive list, since there is no right or wrong way to cope with this situation, and no right or wrong way to seek help. Some people may wish to seek out peer support groups; others might want to read about similar experiences to their own or perhaps share their experience with others through writing. Others might want to find out how to access professional counselling services; and still others might want to learn more about the subject of suicide. You might want to do two or more of these things, which is why this toolkit is designed to connect you with such a broad range of resources.

This toolkit is not intended to replace a conversation so if you are feeling overwhelmed or if you can’t find a tool or resource that resonates with you, you might want to consider talking with someone directly. You can contact Cycle Against Suicide at info@cycleagainstsuicide.com  or The Samaritans by phone 24hrs a day, 365 days a year, on 116 123  or find an alternative at Mental Health Ireland. It is so important to remember that you DO NOT have to be at risk of suicide yourself to connect with these services.

The focus of this toolkit is on resources for people who are coping with the death of someone they know due to suicide, as well as resources to help people within an organisation or institution who have been affected by suicide (sometimes referred to as ‘postvention’). It does NOT contain a comprehensive list of resources relating to suicide prevention or suicide risk, though these areas are covered in the final section, since those who have been bereaved by suicide may be at an increased risk themselves. The National Office for Suicide Prevention provides a wide-ranging collection of resources focused on prevention. The organisation also provides suicide bereavement liaison officers as part of its free confidential service to support families and individuals affected by the loss of a loved one to suicide. The full list can be found here: Suicide Bereavement Liaison Officers – HSE.ie 

Coping Strategies and Suggestions

There is no single way or “right” way to cope with a death by suicide. Everyone’s relationship with the person who has died is different. This means the loss will affect people differently so finding the right kind of information and support will also be a unique experience for every individual. However, common ground does exist, and the following resources have all been used by people from all walks of life who are coping with loss through suicide.

Resources and Strategies to help copy with a death by suicide: 

  • Pieta House provides free counselling to those who have been bereaved by suicide. Free phone: 1800 247 247 or Text ‘Help’ to 51444.
  • SOSAD provides support for those who have been bereaved by suicide. Their 24-hour Helpline is available on 041 984 8754 and their Messaging service is available from 8pm to 12am every day.
  • Living Links Limerick provide support to those bereaved by suicide.
  • The charity Rainbows Ireland (www.rainbowsireland.ie) is devoted to helping children who have experienced bereavement. They can be contacted on 01 4734175.
  • For children bereaved by suicide, Barnardos (www.barnardos.ie) provides a face-to-face suicide bereavement service for children in Cork and Dublin, and a helpline (01 473 2110) that is operated by fully trained staff and volunteers from 10am-12pm Mon-Thur.
  • The death of a child or young person due to suicide can have a profound effect on the school community of which they were a part. The Samaritans (Tel. 116 123) run a service called Step by Step designed to help staff and students to cope with the death of a member of their school community.
  • The HSE publishes a free guide (online or download): www.healthpromotion.ie/media/documents/HSP00493_YANA_Version_3_Feb_2024.pdf 
  • The Support After Suicide Partnership (supportaftersuicide.org.uk) publishes a series of guides (free to read online or download) that cover the emotional experience of losing someone through suicide. Practical matters such as funerals, post-mortem examinations and coroners’ inquests and guidance for people with a specific relationship to the person who has died, such as partners, parents and siblings. The guides are also suitable for those who are neurodivergent as well as for the Roma, Traveller and Gypsy communities.
  • The emotions felt by children following the death of someone they are close to due to suicide can be more intense than for other kinds of bereavement.
  • HSE/The National Office of Suicide Prevention (NOSP) has produced resources – Safe Harbour – to support children who have been bereaved by suicide. The book contains lovingly crafted words and illustrations that are suitable for a child, and that they can relate to.
    https://www.childhoodbereavement.ie//wp-content/uploads/2024/05/Safe-Harbour-V1-web-single-page-1.pdf 
  • Safe Harbour is accompanied by Safe Harbour: A Helpful Guide for Parents and Carers, which outlines how parents or carers can practically use the book and how they can navigate difficult conversations with their child about death by suicide. It is recommended that parents or carers first read the guide, before reading Safe Harbour with their child: 
    https://www.childhoodbereavement.ie//wp-content/uploads/2024/05/HSE-Safe-Harbour-Guide-V7-proof-1-3.pdf
  • Business in the Community (bitc.org.uk) is a community outreach charity that promotes responsible business. They have published a postvention toolkit for businesses that wish to provide support for their staff after the loss of a colleague due to suicide.

Grief and Suicide

Grief is not just one single emotion but a multifaceted response to loss. Reactions to a suicide loss will be different for every person. The response to losing someone who has taken their own life has been described by the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (www.bacp.co.uk) as ‘grief with the volume turned up’, meaning that the grieving process is further complicated.

Emotional reactions may include:

Helplessness

Shock and numbness

Disbelief

Deep sadness

Anger and blame

Guilt

Shame

Relief

Denial

Why questions

Fear

Depression

Frustration

Leaning on spiritual or religious beliefs

Thinking about suicide

And physical reactions may include:

Headaches

Difficulty concentrating

Feeling exhausted, ill or faint

Crying or being unable to cry

Body shakes, aches and tenseness

A marked change in appetite

Help and Resources

 

Peer Support

Peer support can be an invaluable source of strength for people who have lost someone to suicide. Peer support can include face-to-face support groups and online forums which can provide a wider range of potential contacts and sometimes a greater feeling of security and anonymity. It is also a cost-effective option that can increase coping skills while decreasing stigma.

Benefits of peer support may include:

  • Universality – Although everyone’s experience of bereavement by suicide is different, you may well find that you share similar feelings, experiences and struggles with the other members of a group or forum.
  • Hope – By attending a group or joining a forum, you may well encounter people who are further along in their grieving or healing process than you. This can be a great source of hope and comfort.
  • Information – Groups and forums can be excellent places for exchanging information, including advice and suggestions, resources and insights into the grieving process.
  • Giving support – Many people seek out groups and forums when they are at their most vulnerable and in need of support, but then later find that they find a lot of comfort in offering support to others. This then becomes a part of their own healing process.
  • Increase self-esteem – when you receive support from others who understand the grieving process you are going through, this supports a sense of belonging which in turn can be beneficial to feelings of self-esteem.

It’s important to remember that peer support is not for everyone and that there can be potential problems. These include limited availability, misinformation, advice that may prove unhelpful and the potential for judgmental or prejudiced behaviour. Joining a group with a trained facilitator or a forum with trained moderators can reduce the potential for problems caused by a small minority of participants. It is always worth remembering that you are not under any obligation to attend meetings or to make contributions while in attendance.

Finding Peer Support: 

  • Cycle Against Suicide can help you get connected with other affected people from all walks of life.
  • Find bereavement support services in your region.
  • Find a support group run by Facing the Future, a joint venture between The Samaritans and Cruse Bereavement.
  • Find a support group run by Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide, apply to join their online peer-to- peer support forum, or consider setting up a new group
  • Preventing Suicide: How to start a survivor’s group (2008) is a document produced by the World Health Organisation (WHO) that describes in detail the importance of support groups and provides practical advice on how to set up such groups.
  • The Psychological Society of Ireland provides a list of specially trained psychologists and psychotherapists who specialise in bereavement on its website.
  • Many people find that it is not necessary to share the same culture in order to share their experiences of bereavement by suicide, and that looking overseas can increase the chances of finding support and common ground with someone whose feelings, experiences and struggles closely reflect their own.
  • It’s Complicated — The New Normal. It’s complicated is a non-judgemental space for anyone who feels they have a little added element of complication to their grief. The organisation hosts monthly Zoom meetings which are held on a Tuesday at 7.30pm.

 

Bereavement Counselling and Talking Therapies

Turning to bereavement counselling after losing someone to suicide is not an admission of weakness, but instead is an admission of the strength to seek help when it is needed.

Benefits of one-to-one counselling may include:

  • Freedom of expression – After bereavement, some people have feelings that are difficult to express among their relatives and friends. A one-on-one setting with a professional counsellor or therapist can be the best place to express these feelings, particularly the anger, guilt and shame that is often very intense for people in these situations.
  • Understanding the grieving process – After a loss, some people can be shocked at the strength of their feelings, confused by their complexity or worried by their feeling of numbness or lack of emotion. An experienced and empathetic bereavement counsellor or therapist can help someone understand these feelings and guide them through the grieving process.
  • Understanding suicide – For some people, ‘why questions’ can come to dominate their thoughts after losing someone to suicide, and this can intensify their feelings of guilt and/or shame.  A bereavement counsellor or therapist will not be able to definitively answer these questions but can provide a grieving person with a better understanding of why people die by suicide.
  • A safe space – For many people bereaved by suicide, their home environment, their work environment, contact with their friends and even peer support groups can induce anxiety and be difficult to cope with. One-on-one sessions with a counsellor or therapist provide a safe, quiet space in which to explore their feelings.

Find Bereavement Counselling:

Free services have limited availability, poor coverage, long waiting times, and a limited selection of counsellors and types of counselling. Many people eventually find that the cost of paid-for counselling services seems like a small investment relative to the improvements to their wellbeing and progress that they make.

Apps

Some people will naturally be sceptical that a smartphone app can help them through the extremes of emotion following the loss of someone to suicide. However, it’s worth bearing in mind that many resources related to suicide bereavement, including apps, have been developed by people who have been through a similar experience and have decided to try to help as many people as possible.

  • Shining a light on suicide – Free suicide bereavement app
  • Most days – app for iPhone for those who live with a loss by suicide
  • My Grief Angels offer an app which has a proximity-based feature allowing the user to connect with others nearby
  • The www.grieving.com website offers streamlined access to the website’s forums
  • The Child Bereavement UK app is designed to be used by young people (11+), and contains information, videos and stories. It aims to help young people feel less alone after bereavement.
  • 15 Top Apps for Resilience, Mental Health Promotion & Suicide Prevention by Dr Sally Spencer Thomas
  • My3app is a safety plan tool that helps people who are at high risk for suicide.  It helps them develop a written list of coping strategies and sources of support.
  • MoodKit is based in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and helps people improve their mood by engaging them in over 200 mood enhancement activities like thought-checking and journaling.

 

Other People’s Stories

Reading, watching or hearing about other people’s experience of bereavement by suicide (or other kinds of bereavement) can offer some of the same benefits as the direct contact of peer support groups and forums.

 

Safe Language Around Suicide

Some of the traditional language around suicide has negative connotations and, as a result, unintentionally perpetuate stigma. Some examples include “committed suicide” (implying criminality), “successful suicide” or “completed suicide” (implying being unsuccessful or incomplete before) or “failed suicide attempt” (implying a failure). More neutral, compassionate words should be used when talking about suicide, and care should be taken by media organisations that report on deaths by suicide.

The following resources provide more information on safe language around suicide: 

  • The Samaritans – reporting on suicide in the media: pdf
  • Suicide and language: Why we shouldn’t use the ‘C’ word is an article by three Australian suicide prevention researchers which sets out guidelines for talking about suicide.
  • This report by the National Centre for Injury Prevention and Control in the US includes other terms which are now considered unacceptable (p.23), including those which imply manipulative behaviour on the part of people who may be suicidal.
  • In the UK, The Samaritans’ Media Guidelines for Reporting Suicide is the most up-to-date version of that organisation’s advice to the UK press and other media that report on suicide. The majority of large news organisations in the UK have committed to following these guidelines.

 

Myths and Facts About suicide

Myths or misconceptions about suicide are very common and very persistent. They can be dangerous because they can lead to people not being taken seriously, being seen as weak or selfish or their death being seen as unpreventable.

The following resources list common misconceptions about suicide and set out what people can do to correct these beliefs in themselves and others:

  • The Samaritans have created a list the most common suicide myths and countered them with factual information.
  • In his book Myths about Suicide, Thomas Joiner deconstructs in detail the myths surrounding suicide.
  • Various organisations in Ireland provide training courses in suicide awareness, with the aim of spreading factual knowledge and increasing the effectiveness of prevention work. These include:
    • esuicideTALK: a one to two hour exploration in suicide awareness.  The programme is organised around the question “should we talk about suicide?” and offers a space to safely explore some of the more challenging issues relating to suicide. Individuals 18 years and over, can access esuicideTALK for free.
    • ASIST (Applied Suicide Intervention Skills Training): a two-day interactive workshop in suicide first-aid. It is suitable for all kinds of caregivers and trains participants to reduce the immediate risk of suicide and increase the support for a person at risk.  It helps them seek a shared understanding of reasons for suicide and reasons for living.
    • A similar one from SafeTALK called ‘suicide alertness for everyone’ provides a half day training that prepares participants to identify persons with thoughts of suicide and connect them to suicide first aid resources. These specific skills are called suicide alertness and are taught with the expectation that the person learning them will use them to help reduce suicide risk in their communities.
  • The Association for Psychological Therapies (APT) runs suicide prevention training for mental health professionals.

 

Stigma

The misconceptions and false beliefs that surround death by suicide can lead to those that have taken their own lives, and the people closest to them, being devalued or thought less of by other people in their lives. This devaluation, or stigma, can be difficult to overcome and add further complications to the grief of people who have been bereaved by suicide.

  • Two women talk about the dealing with the stigma attached to suicide (video)
  • In this study the authors found that people who have been bereaved by suicide suffer the effects of different subtypes of stigma, including:
    • Public stigma – A result of the societal attitudes towards suicide that have persisted despite the decriminalisation of suicide in the UK (1961) and The Republic of Ireland (1993) and the waning influence of the Christian church which has traditionally viewed suicide as a sin.
    • Personal Stigma – A result of a tendency to see suicide as a failure of problem solving on the part of the person who has died and the people closest to them. This can lead to survivors, especially the parents of young people who have taken their own lives, being blamed for the death and potentially to social exclusion and a higher risk of suicide for bereaved people.
    • Perceived stigma – An acute awareness of potential public or personal stigma that can negatively affect the lives and grieving processes of people who have been affected by suicide.
  • Read a Bill of Rights for Those Bereaved by Suicide developed in Belgium that sets out the rights of those affected by suicide to grieve for the person they have lost in the same way as those bereaved in other ways, free from the stigmas associated with suicide.

Suicide Risk and Prevention

Risk and Protective Factors

Risk factors are characteristics of a person and their environment that increase the likelihood that they will die by suicide.
According to the Suicide Prevention Resource Centre (SPRC) the most common risk factors are:

  • Prior suicide attempt(s)
  • Misuse and abuse of alcohol or other drugs
  • Mental disorders, particularly depression and other mood disorders
  • Access to lethal means
  • Knowing someone who died by suicide, particularly a family member
  • Social isolation
  • Chronic disease and disability
  • Lack of access to mental health services

Protective factors are personal or environmental characteristics that help protect people from suicide.
The SPRC lists the most common protective factors as:

  • Access to effective mental health care
  • Connectedness to individuals, family, community and social institutions
  • Life skills (including problem solving skills and coping skills, ability to adapt to change)
  • Self-esteem and a sense of purpose or meaning in life
  • Cultural, religious or personal beliefs that discourage suicide

The Samaritans have published a report that explores the reasons why middle-aged men are now the most at-risk group for suicide.

 

Warning Signs

The objectives of suicide prevention measures must include the reduction of risk factors and the strengthening of protective factors. However, it must be recognised that these are medium to long-term goals, and that effective prevention must also involve recognising and acting on the warning signs that somebody is in immediate danger.

  • Suicide Ireland has produced a list of the most common warning signs for suicide.
  • The Royal College of General practitioners has produced a list of tips for GPs when dealing with young people who may be at risk of suicide. These tips cover risk and protective factors as well as warning signs

 

Prevention Resources

Additional Resources

Books: 

O’Connor, Rory (Prof.): When it is darkest: Why people die by suicide and what we can do to help (Ebury 2021)

Roe, Gary Aftermath: Picking up the pieces after a suicide (Part of the Good Grief Series of 8 books) (Healing Resources 2019)

Chapman, Tom: Barber Talk: taking pride in men’s mental health (Trigger Press 2019)

Andriessen, Karl, Karolina Krysinka & Onja Grad: Postvention in action: The international handbook of suicide bereavement support (Boston, MA.: Hogrefe Books 2017)

Marson, Gary: Just Carry on Breathing: A Year Surviving Suicide and Widowhood (Dark River 2016)

Jordan, Jack (Ph.D.) & Baugher, Bob (Ph.D.): After Suicide Loss: Coping with your grief (Caring People Press 2016 – 2nd Edition).

Graves, Dodie: Setting up and facilitating bereavement support groups: A practical guide (Jessica Kingsley Publishers 2012)

Jordan, J., & McIntosh, J.  Grief after suicide: Understanding the consequences and caring for the survivors (Routledge 2011)

Stubbs, Di, Julie Stokes & Heidi Baker (Designer): Beyond the Rough Rock: Supporting a Child who has been bereaved through suicide (Winston’s Wish 2008)

A list of books on bereavement compiled by the UK charity Widowed and Young. The list is not just for widows and includes books for children.

Podcasts:

Mental Health Ireland’s Podcast Series includes ‘Stories of Recovery: Suicide Bereavement’. This episode features Eoin Kelly whose brother sadly died by suicide and Emer Mulligan, Resource Officer for Suicide Prevention with HSE Cavan & Monaghan in conversation with Miffy Hoad from Mental Health Ireland. Mental Health Ireland’s Podcast Series / Ep 1 Stories of Recovery: Suicide Bereavement.

Anam Cara (www.anamcara.ie) provides information, resources and bereavement support after the death of a child of any age and through all circumstances. In this episode of its podcast series ‘Conversations in Grief’ Larry talks about the loss of his son Dick to suicide and the impact of bereavement. Bereavement by Suicide | Conversations in Grief

The Irish Childhood Bereavement Network has developed a six-part podcast series to help parents and carers use Safe Harbour, its resource programme to help children affected by suicide. You can listen here: Podcasts – Irish Childhood Bereavement Network

The Grief Sofa Podcast is hosted by Lucy Dennis and Alice Williams who invite guests to share their stories of grief. This episode features Jodie who lost her sister Georgia to suicide while studying at University. S2 – Episode 9 – George – The Grief Sofa Podcast | Acast

Suicide Bereavement UK host a series of podcasts on suicide and bereavement. In this episode, film-maker and mental health advocate Angela Samata talks about the loss of her husband Mark to suicide thelancet.com/pb-assets/Lancet/stories/audio/lanpsy/2020/Life_After_Suicide-1599127722867.mp3

Academic Studies:

Khrisna Putri, Adelia, Armstrong, Gregory, Setiyawatib, Diana & Andriessen, Karl – Unveiling studies on self-healing practices for suicide loss survivors: A scoping review (2024)

Levi Belz, Yosi. Krysinka, Karolina & Andriessen, Karl – What do we know about suicide bereavement, and what can we do to help suicide-loss survivors? (2023)

Griffin, E & McMahon, E – Suicide Bereavement Support: A Literature Review. National Suicide Research Foundation and Health Service Executive (HSE) (2019)

Ross, Victoria, Kairi Kõlves, Lisa Kunde & Diego De Leo – Parents’ Experiences of Suicide Bereavement: A Qualitative Study at 6 and 12 Months after Loss. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 01 March 2018, Vol.15 (4), p.618 (2018) 

Bailey, Eleanor, Karolina Krysinska, Bridianne O’Dea & Jo Robinson – Internet Forums for Suicide Bereavement. Crisis 38:6, 393-402 (2017) 

Pitman, Alexandra L., David P.J.Osborn, Khadija Rantell & Michael B.King – The stigma perceived by people bereaved by suicide and other sudden deaths: A cross-sectional UK study of 3432 bereaved adults. Journal of Psychosomatic Research Volume 87, Pages 22-29 (2016)

Moore, Melinda, Maple, Myfanwy, Mitchell, Ann M., & Cerel, Julie Challenges and Opportunities for Suicide Bereavement Research (2013)

Crisis – The Journal of Crisis Intervention and Suicide Prevention, Vol.34 (5), pp.297-304

Tal Young, Ilanit, Alana Iglewicz, Danielle Glorioso, Nicole Lanouette, Kathryn Seay, Manjusha Ilaparkurti & Sidney Zisook – Suicide bereavement and complicated grief. Dialogues in Clinical Neuroscience 14(2): 177–186.

Opinion Pieces by Experts:

Needs for grief support persist long after bereavement by suicide, as is apparent at key milestones by Prof. Alexandra Pitman (November 2024).

 key milestones | Psychiatry – UCL – University College London

A psychologist’s guide to supporting those bereaved by suicide (August 2022)

About Cycle Against Suicide

Cycle Against Suicide is a national mental health charity (CHY 20867) dedicated to promoting awareness, education, and open conversations around mental health and suicide prevention. Recognising that we all have a role to play in addressing the challenges suicide presents, Cycle Against Suicide sets out to fosters a culture of openness and support. Founded on the belief that “It’s OK not to feel OK; and it’s absolutely OK to ask for help,” our mission is to break the stigma surrounding mental health issues and empower individuals to access the help and resources they need.

IT’S OK NOT TO FEEL OK; AND IT IS ABSOLUTELY OK TO ASK FOR HELP

 

If you, or someone you know is in need of help, details of organisations that can assist are available at: http://www.cycleagainstsuicide.com/ask-for-help/